Saturday, November 5, 2022

It's All Fun and Games Until the Squirt Bottle Comes Out

Dear Diary and Friends,

This past month has had me sitting on the side lines when it comes to participation in the family blog. 

While everyone's sweetheart, Princess Dori, hogged Mom's attention to find a stinky, squished scrap of foil known by the saccharine-sweet name of Dolly Meow, I was left twiddling my non-opposable thumbs waiting for my Momanager to take dictation for my blog column.

How am I supposed to record my inner thoughts and desires when I can't type, text, or use a pen, and Meow-to-Text has yet to be invented?

Anyway, when Dolly Meow was found by Dori herself on Easter Sunday, Mom proclaimed it a Miracle but I'm suspicious that Dori deliberately hid her toy in order to keep Mom's attention focused on her, and not on me. Not that I'm needy or a weenie, but I have a softer side that occasionally needs cuddling.

When Mom finally shook the pixie dust from her brain, she rushed to comfort me, begging for my forgiveness. And, of course, she insisted I dictate my latest diary entries, as follows:

Thursday, April 7th

Spent the day watching Mom try her best at decorating Casa Wonderpurr for the summer. Sadly, she has about as much flair for interior decorating as Roseanne or Peg Bundy. 

I finally sent her to Hobby Lobby with a list of tropical-themed items and took over the job upon her return. Dadders was impressed by my skillz. Says I may have a future as a "Fixer Upper" purrsonality.

I will admit that sticking a few silk flowers and sweet potato vines in nooks and crannies takes little imagination. For years fake plants have been regarded by Professionals as the horticultural equivalent of a plastic-wrapped couch. However, faux plants have recently shed their tacky reputation and are finding their way back into decorator's good graces, but only if you spend a little money on the high-end variety. Then you can refer to them as Faux instead of Fake.

Wednesday, April 13th

Spent a huge chunk of my day in my ZenDen contemplating why it is not a good idea to chase Ginger Boy into a one-way box and then, because he is overly chonky and cannot turn around, torment him into screaming by patting his bottom.

Honestly, I didn't even bite his tail... although resisting that temptation should get me points with Saint Francis when I eventually cross the Rainbow Bridge.

The thing is, Opie's a whiney momma's boy with a punching bag-type personality the equivalent of Alan Harper on Two and a Half Men or Buster Bluth on Arrested Development, or <snickers> Jerry Gergich on Parks and Recreation.

I have tried to hang out with the guy, but whenever I walk into a room, he immediately starts crying for Mom. Sorry, but after spending four years with him, all I can say is, I'm here to entertain you, and part of comedy is suffering.

Tuesday, April 26th 

Today is officially known as Ladders and Dadders Day. He noticed I was bored and looking for trouble in all the wrong places (mostly in the loft over the refrigerator where Jesse the Toothless Wonder lives) so out came my most favorite toy in the world.

A Ladder!

I remember my first ladder back when I was about a year old. Dressed in an orange koi fish costume, I saw Dadders climbing a fifteen-foot ladder in our living room to paint a wall. Well, if it was fun for him, I figured it would be fun for me. 

Of course, Mom got all up in Dadders' biz about letting me climb such a huge ladder, so he pulled out a smaller one. Mom filmed it, sent it to Robin Meade on the HLN news channel, and Robin played it for the nation to enjoy. Right then a star was born!

Thursday, April 28th

Remember those Faux plants I used to spiff up Casa Wonderpurr? Well, despite my decorating skillz at bringing life into our sad little house, I am apparently grouped in with the rest of the Gang when it comes to looking, but not touching. Or nomming.

I will admit I have a taste for the plastic, be it water bottles, grocery bag handles, pen caps... you name it, if its plastic, I will chew it into little pieces.

Those palm leaves were irresistible, and shortly after they were rearranged on a spiffy banana leaf weaved basket, I settled myself down beside them to enjoy.


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